Gilderoy's Garden of Gloriousness!

I've lost my socks.

No, wait. They're under my shoes.

*whew* That was a close one, wasn't it? What would I have done if they'd gone and run off somewhere. Sneaky things, socks are.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaay~~
And I pity... any girl who isn't me todaaaaaay~

You know, Fondant, I think the best part about today has to be the fact that my clothes seem to look even better on me today than they usually. And that is quite a feat, I might add.

Hmm. Does this blue robe make my hips look big? Aah, no, don't worry about that. I still look fabulous.

You know, it's a good thing I have so many mirrors installed. What do you think, Fondant? I know as a house elf, you don't know too much about fashion, but I can tell you that these robes on a female body... hmmm. There's something...

... It's as if there's something that I know about this person.

You know, I'm not sure I ever knew that song.

*twirls around and poses*

I think a celebration is in order, don't you? Perhaps something with ice cream and lemon cake.

Wait, I don't like lemon cake. Do I? So, forget the lemon cake, and we'll celebrate with Orange sherbet and chocolate bread. Then I'll just wait in the back of the tailor's shop, working on... No, I don't have a tailor's shop. Ha ha ha. I'll be upstairs working with my special letter-making machine.

*pauses and stares at the mirror*

I don't know who this person is, but she looks a lot like me. Her eyes are the same color as mine.

Heh... Sometimes I think I might have known her.

*shakes head*

She was probably just one of my visitors in the hospital.

I do believe that my intelligence is quite literally rubbing off onto other things around me. Oh yes, it's possible, and it's true.

My own brilliance, such as it is, (and it does seem to be great, if I do say so myself), has infected (or is it affected? I always get those two mixed up) yet another object close to me.

Oh, it's so clever. So very very clever. Just like me!

Not that I didn't expect it of a scarf from the brilliant designing mind of... oh, what does it matter, it has spatterings of purple paisleys and lavender lilacs and blue butterflies, and the clever clever scarf changes color depending on which waistcoat I choose to wear.

Isn't that lovely?

I must admit I've already changed clothes fourteen times today. I wonder how many more times I can change and have the scarf change with me?

Oh, this is more fun than running around counting all the mirrors in the house!

Oh, so you say I might find animals at the Zoological Gardens? Well, of course, I can.

You know, I've always said that the information desk is the absolute best place to find information when one needs it. Why, I might have been completely lost and looking for a critter or two at the toffee shop or geranium store.

Very, very well! Thank you very much, and I'm sure you won't mind me using the floo here? No, of course you wouldn't.

*pinches the powder*

"The Zoological Gardens, if you please"

*whisks off... then arrives just inside the large cat house.*

I wonder why she was looking as if she wanted to stop me. Hmmm...

I think I want another pet. What do you think, Fondant?

No, nevermind, it doesn't matter what you think. I want another pet. Those horses in the stables haven't moved in months. They just lie about and do nothing all day.

What do you think? I could bring in some bunnies to hop about in my tulip garden. Or how about a Gorzilla? I saw one that fit inside one of those small Muggle boxes. That would work well enough for me.

Yes, I think I shall ask at St. Mungo's the next time I am available to visit.

Hmmm. *nods*

Dear Sirs,

Thank you so much for your interest in my daily life. I'm sure, as you stated, that your readership will be utterly enthralled and fascinated with all of the little intricacies of the live of a celebrity.

You asked me for a brief description of what life was like for me after leaving St. Mungo's, but after conferring with myself in the mirror, I've decided that your readers would much prefer the whole story with as much detail as possible added into it.

Therefore, I submit to you this 188-page annotated manuscript documenting every detail of my average day beginning, of course, with a full index. Please find a complete glossary and reference section at the end.

I.........Wakey-wakey time
II........My first visit to the Wee-matorium
III.......Dresses and Tresses and Teeth - being beautiful
IV........Brekkie and a spot of tea
V.........The unmentionable act, and flushing of unmentionables
VI........Another trip to the mirror
VII.......Reading of my books
VIII......The Morning Post
IX........Look at the pretty pattren those roman numerals are making (an interlude)
X.........Getting Dressed in something different than this morning's outfit
XI........Visiting the kitty-cat in the kitchen
XII.......Looking in my favorite mirror
XIII......Reading fan mail
XIV.......Admiring at my photographs
XV........Autograph Time!
XVI.......Tea Time
XVII......Going to the toilet again
XVIII.....Visiting St. Mungo's
XIX.......Is "Xix" actually a word? It seems like it might be a spell
XX........Luncheon with moi
XXI.......Changing into my afternoon attire
XXII......A nice sing-song by myself
XXIII.....Time to read more of my books again!
XXIV......Laughing in the garden
XXV.......Tea time again
XXVI......Yet another deposit into the sewer system of London
XXVII.....My elves call me for dinner
XXVIII....We have vegetables and potatoes on Tuesdays
XXIX......I enjoy ice cream and raspberries for afters
XXX.......I sneak an extra helping when Fondant (my elf) isn't looking
XXXI......Going back into the drawing room to draw
XXXII.....Giving up on drawing, I go and change into after-dinner attire
XXXIII....Cocoa time!
XXXIV.....The Roman numerals are still very pretty. It's a wavy pattern!
XXXV......I change into my nighty-night pajamas (with green swirls and gold stars)
XXXVI.....Evening visit to the lavatory
XXXVII....Beddy-bye time - thanks for reading

No, I'm telling you that he'll be expecting me. And if he isn't, won't he be surprised, what?

What do you mean, I'm not allowed in after visiting hours? Do you know who I am? You must be new here, mustn't you. Don't worry, I have plenty of photographs left. Now you say you want my autograph?

There you go. Now if you don't mind, just turn around and go back to your station while I just pop in here to visit my old friend Ronald. There's a good lad.

AAH! Ronald! What a surprise to see me here, isn't it? Aren't you pleased? I can see that you are.

Here, I've brought you some sweets for the holiday.

I found a Mystery!!

It's something very very secret, so I think I'll just keep it to myself. But it's a key. It is. With a funny-scary face on the end of it. I found it in the box that was labeled "Lockhart." Only there wasn't anything I'd think was mine in it. Just some old photographs of an old man with a beard. I suppose he looked a little bit like me, but not nearly as handsome and much older.

So, what kind of lock do you think would go along with a key that's in the shape of a snake being eaten by a skull?

Well, since it's a secret, I guess I'll have to figure out the answer for myself. Unless someone else can figure out what it means.

I'll probably figure it out first, though. I am very clever, you know.

Why hello there, my friend! How good of you to have saved me a seat? May I? Of course I may!

Remember how we've talked of playing Wizard's chess? Well I've brought my set. It was made especially for me, you know, so I have to warn you that I'm always white. I'm so not a winter. Much more spring and summer, wouldn't you agree?

I say, this isn't right. Why are there only red and black checkers and none of my shiny gold ones?

Well, I never! I leave this place for only a few weeks, and look, it's already falling apart. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if they removed the doilies from the chairs up on the 4th floor, and took down the portraits of me that I'd put up along all of the east wing corridors.

Oh, hello. Wait! I know you, don't I? Were you one of my students?

My name is Gilderoy Lockhart, I'm... well, at various times I've won some awards, and I've written several books, haven't I? They're quite good!

I have a home. Did you know that? Of course you did. After all, how could I not have a house? The mediwitch who helped me out of the hospital and into that disgustingly black and sooty chimney apparently knew precisely where it was and how to get there. For, as soon as she said "Gilderoy Lockhart's Home" she was "poofed" off in the most amazing sort of way!

That other lady wanted me to go after her. Really? If I had, all of that black stuff might have smudged my socks. No, it's much safer to walk, in my opinion. But, apparently before I had that option, the first lady came back (looking quite like a chimneysweep from my picture books), and insisted that I touch her arm so she could *zip* me home instead of *poofing* me home in the dirty chimney.

It took me a good twenty minutes to wipe off her arm enough to actually bring myself to touch it. No, I understand how their fancy "scourgify" spell works, but who knows what kind of soot bunnies might jump up and bite me, having hidden from the spell under her arm, or in her pocket, or behind the pillar in the corridor.

One just cannot take chances with these sorts of things.

I must say, it is nice to be home, though. There are two little elves here. One insisted that it be called Feldie, but I much prefer Gladiolus. Especially since he's old and wrinkly and works outdoors with the plants. The other one didn't really come up to me at all. She just hid behind one door and then another. When I finally found out her name was Luluninny (apparently I had named her years ago. Wasn't I an incredibly clever young man to choose such a beautiful name), and I called her, she came right up to me and started fiddling with that dingy hand-looking thing she wore. The mediwitch called it an "oven glove" but I don't know that it looked anything like an oven or a glove.

I think I shall get rid of those strange things the elves wear and give them something far more fitting. Trina (the Mediwitch's name was Trina. I don't think it quite fit her, but she seemed to like it well enough, and refused to answer when I called her "Millie-sue") insisted that if I give them new... things... to wear that they not be clothing unless I wished never to see them again. Which makes me wonder what sorts of things I can give them. Would it be terribly inappropriate to pull apart the drapes in the second floor, east wing bathroom and have them wear those? It just might be that the embroidered Gilderoy Lockhart faces might fall upon some of their very personal elvish bits.

But I do like the look of those drapes and so rarely use the east wing second floor bathroom. After all, it does have the smallest mirror, and the sink is marble-colored, and not gold or lavender.

Does anyone know where the light goes when I close this strange Muggle glowing book? Personally, I believe it's hiding someplace very clever, like behind the bricks in the cellar.

I don't go into the cellar. It's very dark and there are no mirrors in it.

Perhaps I ought to have some installed.

I say! This really is the most interesting and brilliant of devices, is it not? Just the idea of something like this...

A witch gave it to me. Very nice pretty young thing. She had this lovely auburn hair that wasn't nearly as healthy and shiny as mine, but still not bad for someone of the working class. I remember she had a bit of spinach in her teeth. I really ought to have told her about it, but then there would have been the off chance that she would actually have had a more brilliant smile than mine, and that just could not...

What am I saying? There's no way her smile would have been more brilliant. I was just being modest there. And we all know that false modesty is a travesty. Or was that tragedy?

The Metal book! Oh yes!!

It opens like a book, you see. And there's this picture on the right-hand side, and letters and words on the left, but they're all jumbled up like a jigsaw. Imagine that! So, I was looking at it, wondering what might such a thing be used for, and my assistant - oh, he's a darling. Young thing, wears glasses that are very much passé, but what can one expect? After all, he still wears these green robes just like all of the people in the hosp-... um... institution of higher education I was, um, in.

So, he does this brilliant thing, and turns it on its side! The little metal pieces that had letters on them - THEY WERE A WRITE-TYPER!!

I know!!! I was completely astonished, as well!

So, only a few hours of instruction (these things come easy to me, you know), I was able to push this button thing on the side, and the picture would light up, and then push it again and hold it down, and the picture would go away again! Imagine that!!

The only drawback to the machine is that in order to make any writings on it, one must have the picture viewable. Still, I'm sure someone will come up with a way of fixing that.

At any rate, here I am, after only three weeks, I've managed to get the metal book to work for me, and I can write stuff, and he insists that if I click on this button below, it shall make it available for all of my avid readers and life-long fans to read!

My only question is this: How am I to be paid royalties by everyone who reads this?